Most of you probably have lingering debts, and if you’re a member of our younger audience then hold on to your butt and wait until you finish college and those school loans starting coming due.
On the one hand, you could always move back home, live in your parent’s basement, and deal with the crippling shame of having a Master’s degree and not being able to afford to move out of your parent’s house- all the while your dad tells you how his generation was buying houses at age fourteen while leaving out the part about how college and homes both cost a nickel.
On the other hand though maybe you have more pride than that, and you start thinking about all those organs you’ve been carrying around since you were a baby. Surely they’re worth something, and you have been lugging them around your entire life without so much as a thank you from your small intestine- so we say that it’s time to takeout the antiseptic and a hacksaw and start figuring out how much these freeloaders are worth because you got bills.
There are few organs in the human body today who put in more work than the kidneys, and that’s thanks to a variety of factors- not the least of which is the staggering variety of horrible things you can shove down your mouth hole and force your poor kidneys to try and clean out of your system.
This may come as a shock to most people, but double-dipped chocolate lava cake did not evolve side by side with humanity, and thus it was never a part of our natural diet and something that the body evolved to process.
There were, sadly, no wild herds of double-dipped chocolate lava cakes calmly grazing along prehistoric prairies, only to be ambushed by a squad of neanderthal hunters. Nor were there family groups of ice-cold sugary sodas prowling the ancient steppes, chased by early human ancestors as the weak are caught and devoured.
There were also no flights of majestic parmesan and garlic buffalo wings, dripping with ranch sauce, for ancient humans to shoot out of the sky and serve up around the campfire. Much of the food we eat today is terrible for us, and far removed from anything we naturally evolved to eat.
While various organs aid in digestion and breaking down foodstuffs as it moves through your body, the kidneys are the real heroes behind the scenes, and they do a variety of super-important functions. These include the removal of waste products from the body, properly balancing the body’s fluids, regulating blood pressure, producing an active form of vitamin D that promotes strong bones, controlling the production of red blood cells, and removing drugs from the body.
So while your dumb eyes are just sitting there in your head processing visual information, your kidneys are the body’s overworked and overstressed single-parents, holding down several full-time jobs while trying to make time for the family. Your eyes see stuff, big whoop- your kidneys literally prevent your blood vessels from exploding from an overproduction of blood, while cleaning out the sugary high fructose corn syrup that’s replaced most of your blood, as well as last night’s party favors that left you semi-comatose and hallucinating about fire-breathing mouse dragons all night.
Perhaps that’s why kidneys are one of the most sought-after black market organs, with a single kidney fetching price as high as $200,000. Currently, 93,000 people are waiting for a kidney transplant, and these people can wait for as much as ten years to move up the donor list and gain access to a legal kidney. This makes buying a black market kidney an incredibly attractive proposition, and if you’re looking to start carving up pieces of yourself for a quick profit, then good news because you only need half a kidney to survive and it’s a seller’s market!
Every year 31,000 Americans die to liver disease, and it’s considered one of the deadliest and most preventable diseases that afflict modern Americans. Chronic liver disease, or cirrhosis as it’s known, has a variety of causes to include poor diet and alcohol, and scars the liver so badly it can no longer function. And that’s a bad thing because it turns out that livers are pretty important too, seeing as they also help remove waste from the body, make bile to digest food, make proteins for your body, and store sugar that the body uses for energy.
While they may not bring in quite as big of a chunk of change as their cousins the kidneys, livers can still sell for around $150,000, so if you find you can’t quite bring yourself to part with a kidney, maybe a liver will do. If the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz had $120,000, he could’ve skipped the journey to meet the wizard altogether and simply bought a heart on the black market.
We did a lot of research on this one, and it turns out the heart’s pretty important for keeping you alive, though in our opinion it’s a bit of a show-off. You don’t hear the kidneys or liver thumping away all day like some attention-seeking jackhammer, and they work just as hard to keep you from croaking.
Anyway, the heart may not bring in much money in the black market, but buying yourself a legal heart for a transplant surgery can set you back a cool million dollars- so you can bet top dollar someone’s definitely going to be in the market for a $120 K heart.
Ok, so earlier we kind of trashed on eyes, saying that in comparison to the kidneys who do like a million jobs simultaneously, they have a pretty simple job- and like the heart, by the way, get a whole lot of glory they probably don’t deserve.
Next time you want to be romantic, don’t comment on how pretty your date’s eyes are, write her a sonnet about the fortitude of her mighty kidneys as they detoxify her blood and regulate the production of red blood cells. Show her you care because you care about the most important organs in her body. Ok, sorry, that’s not the way this was supposed to go- we were apologizing to the eyes, becauseit turns out they’re pretty important for doing things like… seeing stuff. And because they’re such an important organ… ha just kidding, eyes suck and are barely worth $24,000 for one piece.
Oh and by the way, that includes the price of actually implanting the corneas, which is definitely not included in the kidney’s $200 k price tag. Suck it eyes, take some Skillshare classes and up your game and maybe you’ll be worth more.
So far on our list the kidneys are the real golden geese of the human body, and as we’ve made abundantly clear they deserve that title- seriously, we can’t overstress how important those guys are. But kidneys are going to have to scooch over, because while technically not an organ, bone marrow is not only also important, but sells at a whopping $23,000 per gram! As the stuff that produces new red blood cells, which die off at a genocidal rate and require constant replenishing, it turns out bone marrow is pretty damn important, and the top-dollar price tag reflects that.
With the average adult human having approximately 2.6 kilograms of bone marrow, that means that right now sitting there inside your bones is a whopping $60 million dollars worth of bone marrow! Listen, we’re not trying to give you any ideas here but consider that if you chopped off your legs that’s easily, what, like $25 million dollars of bone marrow just sitting there, not being used by anyone?I mean, with that kind of money you can always buy robot legs. An M-1 Abrams costs $9 million dollars, and again, we’re not trying to give you ideas but you could literally have an Abrams tank for legs and still have millions left over. Us, we like our legs, but we’re currently mulling over the usefulness of having ten fingers and toes.
If you’re a woman, you’re in luck, because your monthly visitor has been leaving you to rent checks all along that have so far remained uncollected. That’s right, each human egg can be legally sold for up to $8,000, which includes the cost of the procedure to remove it, and unfortunately counts as taxable income so Uncle Sam’s going to get his cut.
Skip the legal middleman though and head on over to a back alley chop shop and you can get the little buggers vacuumed out of you and earn a cool $12,000 by skipping a few medical steps we’re sure are totally superfluous and safe to ignore.
If you’ve sucked all the marrow out of your bones, then good news because you’re not done getting your money’s worth out of that freeloading skeleton inside of you. Think about it, you’ve been doing all the work for years, literally dragging that useless pile of bones in you around from place to place your whole life, so now it’s time to cash out.
Sadly, nobody except for crime labs and serial killers are particularly excited about buying a bunch of human bones- and the latter are notorious for shoplifting them from your recently-living body. As such you can expect to pull in a few thousand dollars for your bones plus their attached ligaments, which isn’t much but every little bit helps.
Small intestines are surprisingly in greater demand than large intestines, and as such is a sure commodity on the black market. With many people needing bowel transplants for various reasons including cancer, the cost of buying a small intestine legally and having it surgically implanted in you will run you up a cool 1.5 million dollar bill.
On the black market though you can easily get yourself a small intestine for a neat$2,500, which doesn’t include the price of the surgery- but for twenty bucks we’re willing to throw in a stapler.
Human skulls are also a popular item in the body-part black market, though mainly just for medical researchers and people who collect really weird things and whom you should never be alone in a room with ever.
On the black market a human skull with all its teeth can fetch as much as $1,200, though we assume that the more teeth are missing, or worse shape they’re in, the less valuable the skull will be. You might think that you’re running out of things to sell, but that’s only because you’ve been ignoring some of the most obvious stuff.
Turns out all that salty red stuff inside of you can sell for $337 per pint, and much to our horror, farming blood has become a major human rights problem overseas. Specifically in India, migrants are lured into what the authorities have called ‘blood farm’ with the promise of big sums of cash for their blood. Instead they are practically bled dry, giving blood as often as three times a week, until they are too weak to resist, and often they are caged and kept imprisoned. An investigator called an Indian blood farm something akin to a dairy farm, noting how the victims were caged and barely fed even as blood was extracted sixteen times a month from them.
You probably pay upwards of twenty or thirty dollars for a haircut once a month, and you do it because you’re a sucker. It turns out that the black market wants your hair too, for use infancy and very expensive wigs, and it’s willing to shell out as much as $70 for every ten inches of hair you grow. Good news is, cutting it off comes for free- so stop being a sucker that pays to have their hair cut, when you could be getting paid to have it cut off you.
We’ve talked about some pretty useless organs and body parts in this article, here looking at you buddy- but without a doubt nothing could be lazier than our skin. Sure, it helps produce Vitamin D and protect the body from infection, but hey we’ve got antibiotics and vitamin d supplements now. Plus, it’s basically the only organ that actively does its best to sabotage your life.
It burns in the sun unless you apply SPF 1000 sunscreen on every five minutes, and it fills up with pus and other gross stuff to form big, giant pimples. When have your buddies, the kidneys, ever ruined a date for you by growing a giant whitehead overnight right on your nose? Skin, it’s time to pay for all you’ve done to hurt and humiliate us- or rather, it’time to get paid.
At $10 per square inch of skin, this is probably the second most lucrative organ in the body and yes, by the way, the skin is an organ. With one million Americans needing skin grafts every year, there’s certainly no shortage of buyers. We were going to go ahead and tell you how many square inches of skin the human body contains and how its harvested, but as we typed that into our search bars and got a really good look at our query, we decided we didn’t want the FBI knocking on our door.
We decided to risk a visit from the FBI’s serial killer response team and found out that the average human has about 22 square feet (2 square meters) of skin. So why not sell off a little excess? You can always leave the skin on your face intact, but who’s going to miss the skin on your back, chest, arms, and legs? Just wear long sleeves every day and cash in on your skin cash cow! What organs would you sell if you could?
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